During this unprecedented time, we are inside our homes feeling a wide array of emotions. While the threat of illness is looming and the day we can all return to normal is unknown, each family member has competing needs and limited resources. Each one feels the loss of the large world and connections that were sustaining. More than ever, there is pressure on family ties and it can feel overwhelming.
As the weather starts to warm outside, I reach for the thermostat to turn on the AC in my house and am reminded of a parenting analogy shared by Dr. Garry Landreth, a renowned leader in Parent-Child Play Therapy. Landreth suggests parents opt to take on the role of thermostats rather than thermometers in the family. Thermometers react to a change in temperature, whereas thermostats set the temperature for a room. Rather than reacting to every emotion experienced by our loved ones, we can take care of ourselves and maintain a calm and steady presence. By taking care of ourselves and limiting our own reactivity, we take care of the ones we love.
How Our Brains Are Wired To Respond To Others’ Emotions
It can be particularly hard not to react like a thermometer – especially with our children - because our brains are natural thermometers. When one person experiences an emotion or identifies an emotion on the face of a loved one, he/she experiences the feeling as if it were his/her own. Neuroscientists explain this by pointing to mirror-neurons in our brains. These special neurons help us understand the non-verbal cues of others, deduce what others may be feeling, have empathy for them, and also in the process, to feel what the other person feels. We are made to be porous to others’ emotions. If one person feels an emotion, those closest to him or her inevitably feel it too.
When Dealing With Difficult Emotions, Self-Care Is Family Care
As a parent, spouse, and small business owner, I have the choice to join in with my family’s anxiety and react to the grief and uncertainty around me. Or I can choose to notice the discomfort and accept the emotions as information about the level and type of loss all of us are experiencing. Thanks to my ability to slow down and take my own temperature (i.e. tune in), I am able to turn on a different part of my brain: the one that can make considered choices. Only then, can I take actions to reduce the emotional temperature in the house. It is the difference between being passively subjected to my family just like a thermometer that rises with ambient temperature and, in contrast, the thermostat’s ability to assess the temperature and take action to adjust the ambient (emotional) temperature.
Be Your Family’s Cool Thermostat, Not Their Reactive Thermometer
It is so easy to remember to pick up infants and soothe them by rocking them and speaking softly. However, with a teenager or with a grown up, it can be easy to forget that the same processes would also help: touch, proximity, a tender voice and waiting until tempers have cooled until a challenging activity or topic is addressed.
When I manage to take on the role of thermostat, I find a way to respond rather than to react to the rising heat in the room. Just as I would open a window when the air gets too stuffy in a room, I can also help my loved one (child or spouse) regulate and tolerate his/her emotions by just making room for and being with him/her — by actively reflecting to my loved one her/his thoughts, feelings and needs with acceptance and compassion. In doing so, I am not agreeing or being permissive of a behavior. I am just communicating that I “get” her/him. I become curious about the other person’s experience and withhold judgement.
Teaching Loved Ones To Regulate Their Own Emotions
In communicating that I accept my loved one’s feelings, I am taking on the role of thermostat. I am offering a positive emotion the person can use to regulate themselves, like a buoy in a rough sea. I teach my child that feelings are tolerable. I let my partner know he can be vulnerable with me. In doing so, I help them self-soothe. I am a safe trusted person with whom they can be their authentic self. Once soothed, they can access a higher level of functioning.
Four Steps To Keeping A Balanced Emotional Temperature For Your Family:
Know (and accept) your loved one(s). You can provide acceptance and empathy so that you can start a “virtuous” cycle (and counter some of the negative effects of anxious brains).
Set reasonable expectations based on development, temperament and level of stress in the household. Anticipate issues and collaborate with others so that you can encourage all members to express their feelings and feel understood. Adopt a collaborative approach that recognizes each individual’s unique perspective in the household.
Adopt a ‘being with’ attitude in moments of stress. This means communicating acceptance and curiosity, and withholding judgement. Let them know that given what you know about them, what they are saying makes sense and that you care. This means resisting trying to alleviate negative feelings and avoiding the trap of problem solving.
Re-align your priorities for your family during this crisis. The first step here is to identify your values: what gives you peace and meaning in difficult times. Then revisit your current schedule and make physical space for these priorities. Are you intentionally making room for service, activism, caring, play, spirituality, art? Are you making room for your introverted needs as well as social connectedness?
By creating a calm, cool and accepting atmosphere at home, you convey to each person that they are worthy of love, that they too can make positive choices to preserve connections and that they can manage a crisis with compassion for themselves and others.